wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
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Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Our lord and savoury.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup