wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
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HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water