A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]