Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
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ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
asking santa clause for nudes
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..