@QwertyJones3: Watch it bro, your mouth's writing checks your body can't cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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@AimeeHelene1: *thumb wrapped in giant bandage* CW: Oh my God, what happened? Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
@Book_Krazy: *[At the dinner table]* "No grandma, those aren't knitting needles. We're having Chinese food"
@_NTFG_: DOCTOR: Are you sexually active? ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years