Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I…do not understand how electricity works.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.