My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
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Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it