Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
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Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
i love modern commerce
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.