Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
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[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.