watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
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Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
That lamp looks PISSED.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*