Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
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can’t believe I got front row seats
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?