Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.