What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
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“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.