My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Sex so good you see dead people.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials