@N0pantz: Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.
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@nonchalantnacho: Dear family, Since I am unemployed, for Christmas you have a choice of a hug or I'll rap Eminem songs for 5 minutes for you. Love, Danielle
@KeetPotato: [valentine's day] gf: [reading my txt] "keith just said he's going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight" her friend: "oh wow" [later watching shrek 2] me: "you look disappointed"
@mishakey: I can't help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.
@HousewifeOfHell: How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I'm fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.