Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
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Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
This did not end as expected.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
TEETH IS INNOCENT