Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
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*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.