@Mr_Kapowski: Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was "he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid's ears"
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@dshack8: 50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself. Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn't unbutton it.
@MattElGato: *intercom comes on* "Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"
@dadamantium: 4: Let's hunt turkeys, Daddy. Me: How do we do that? 4: Put up a big sign that says, "Come here, Turkeys!" I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
@KevinBuffalo: Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.