water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend