Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
You Might Also Like
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Every damn time
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.