Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
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Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Hmm, not sure about this change
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?