@BobbyBucchae: Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I'm white with a credit score of 720
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@steveolivas: 12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush -- so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth. His protest was legendary.
@KeetPotato: [biologists find beached whale] its a new species what can we call it? [surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro [biologists look at each other]
@iAmDelFreaky: 2: Where mommy? Me: Mommy's at a meeting. 2: Mommy is meat? Me: No. Well...yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island. 2: Ok.
@Love_bug1016: [first date] Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is. Me: (trying to impress) I haven't put my phone down in 5 years.