Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?