Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
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My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Same pineapple, same
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas