*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
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“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month