*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
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Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Proctology is located in A55
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?