*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
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Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills