*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
You Might Also Like
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.