*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
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I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
War & Peace
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving