*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
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A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I can fix him.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
doing some research
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Breaking news:
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.