*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
You Might Also Like
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
🤣😂🤣
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit