“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
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A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.