*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
The struggle is real.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Single and childfree like Jesus
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.