*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
You Might Also Like
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Ironic
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?