*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
You Might Also Like
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?