*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
oh good, now I can stop drinking
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow