*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
also my go-to takeaway order
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.