*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
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Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
the #horror is real!
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi