Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.