Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
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If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.