*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
You Might Also Like
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers