*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
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On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Found the job I’m suited for
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea