*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
no
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.