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My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.