A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
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“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m not wrong
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.