*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
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Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.