*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I’m ready for Halloween this year
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).