*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.