Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Fidel Castro was alive?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript: