WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
How do you like your Corgi?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.