*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Not my job 😂
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello