-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.