millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.