Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
President The Rock Obama
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
NOT all policemen are strippers.