[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
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If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?